I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
