On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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