I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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