I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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