mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
