Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
how does that bad decision feel?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
