he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
