I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
