Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
