It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I didn't notice because vodka
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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