hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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