I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
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It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
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Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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