I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Randomize
