Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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