So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
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Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
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STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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