Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
