Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You ate ashes out of my bong
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
