yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
