It's Friday. Sex?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
