I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
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