Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
