Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
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Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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