guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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