4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
