when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
