The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
