I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Randomize
