Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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