Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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