I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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