my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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