im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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