One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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