How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
