did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
