did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
