Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
