Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
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