I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
