Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
