I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
