Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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