i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
