sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
We smell like vodka and hangover
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
