sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
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So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
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You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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