Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
