It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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