Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
