you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
