Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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