there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
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