Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
