Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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