You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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