I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
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