Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
