Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Duck Duck Cougar?
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
