This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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