woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize