lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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